What to Say Next to Destress an Emotional Conversation at Work
When people are fired up, angry, and defensive, it’s tough to have a productive conversation. One reason it’s so tricky to de-escalate an emotional conversation is that when these emotions kick in, they’re contagious. One person gets defensive, and the other person responds in kind. “Why are you getting angry? Can’t you see how right I am? What’s wrong with you?”
This cycle escalates until someone storms off, slams a door, turns off their camera, or commits one of those “career-limiting activities,” like saying something they regret or heating fish in the breakroom microwave. (Followed closely by burning microwave popcorn. Never use the microwave in anger–especially if you work at home.)
Nothing resolves. Frustrations and resentments build up and poison the work. But, if you can learn how to de-escalate these emotional conversations, you’ll give yourself and your coworkers the gift of a path forward.
Powerful Phrases to De-escalate and Emotional Conversation
“Take a breath and let it go, talk to her about it later on. It’s not worth the drama.” -Female, Australia, 33
The World Workplace Conflict and Collaboration Survey
De-escalation starts with understanding why people get so upset. Most of the time, it comes down to basic emotions: people feel disrespected or threatened. Now, you might wonder how your conversation about
getting that data to you on time turned into disrespect or threat, but it happens all the time.
People feel disrespected when they think you haven’t heard them, dismissed and devalued their perspective, or that you don’t care about their point of view. People feel threatened when they perceive a loss of control or negative consequences (like not getting a promotion or losing their job).
You can de-escalate when someone is feeling disrespected or threatened by restoring safety and trust. Use the following Powerful Phrases to re-establish respect and make sure the other person feels heard.
“I noticed that… what’s happening for you?”
One option is to observe what’s happening. When you calmly call attention to someone’s behavior and ask, “What’s happening for you?” it helps them take a breath and choose a different approach. For example, you might say, “I notice that you’re standing up and yelling. What’s going on for you right now?”
“You’re right…”
Another powerful way to de-escalate is to agree with the person. This is most helpful when someone feels disrespected. If they say something like “That’s not what’s happening. You don’t understand!” You can respond calmly, with “You’re right. I don’t understand. Can you walk me through what happened so I can understand?”
“Please correct me where I’m wrong. Here’s what I’m hearing so far.”
This is a variation of GOAT #11, the Check for Understanding.
A note on GOATs: Goats are our “Greatest of All Time” Powerful Phrases in our new book: Powerful Phrases for Dealing with Workplace Conflict (the book has over 300 phrases, the GOATs are the top twelve).
When someone says “You’re not listening to me!” you can use this advanced version of the GOAT.
When you say “Please correct me where I’m wrong…” you show humility.
This Powerful Phrase helps the other person know that you really are interested in what they have to say. Once you’ve summarized, give them a chance to correct your understanding, and then summarize again. You don’t have to agree with their interpretation or feelings. You’re acknowledging what they think and feel. Unless the other person has serious conflict management skills, you won’t have a meaningful conversation until they feel heard.
“I appreciate you sharing that with me.”
This Powerful Phrase works best when someone has shared a difficult perspective—something that they expect you won’t like. You’re not agreeing or disagreeing. Rather, you’re honoring their effort at communicating. It can also be a good way to pause an ongoing conversation, so you have time to think about their perspective.
“How about a timeout?”
Sometimes you’ll need to call a timeout and give everyone time to calm down. Sometimes, when trust is very low, you might need to bring a third party or an advocate the other person trusts into the conversation to help moderate. A pause is a powerful way to de-escalate an emotional conversation.
“I apologize.”
When you’ve genuinely made a mistake, hurt someone, or broken your word, nothing helps more than a genuine apology. Being vulnerable and strong enough to take responsibility when you’ve screwed up is a straightforward way to de-escalate an emotional conversation. (Only apologize when it’s warranted. Pre-apologies or saying “I’m sorry” when you’ve done nothing wrong undermine people’s respect for you.)
Of course, your body language and tone of voice are vital when working to de-escalate an emotional conversation. It’s hard for the other person to stay escalated and angry when you come from a genuinely calm and collaborative place.
See Also: How to Deal With a Moody Boss: Even a Dropper of F-Bombs
0 Comments