It was a tough couple of weeks. The cocktail of challenges was impacting our performance. We needed stronger results… now. I didn’t realize how much my stress showed on the outside. A trusted leader on my team, shared bluntly: “You’re changing.”
The words stung with fierce truth. He was right. Succumbing to the leadership squash sandwich, I was taking on familiar, but unwelcome behaviors common in such scenes. I was showing up weirder.
“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”
~ E.E. Cummings
I was worried for our mission, our cause, and our careers. My passion to protect my team took on an ironic intensity. My supportive style had morphed into frantic control. I began inviting myself to calls and requiring more rehearsals before executive readouts. Instead of trusting my competent team, I scrutinized each page of every PowerPoint deck. My efforts to protect them from my stress had backfired.
I had stopped leading like me. The words still echoing from the first conversation, my phone rang again. I now knew my team was tag-teaming this intervention.
“I joined this organization because I believe in your leadership. Your rare style works. Stay the course. We believe in you, in us, and the mission. Every one of us has your back. Just tell us what you need.”
Time to be the leader I must be.
What My Team Reminded Me About Being A Leader
Showing up tough is weak
Servant leaders must also receive
Great teams hold their leader accountable
I want to know the truth
Great leaders tell the truth
Courage means staying true to your style
My team needs me to lead like me
When times are tough, it’s easy to doubt our instincts. Under times of pressure, authentic leadership matters most. Tell the truth. Involve them in the situation, and trust them to be part of the solution.
My first year out of grad school, I was invited to a symposium on self-directed work teams. In academia, I was well versed. I had little practical experience. The morning began with a senior executive sponsor setting the vision. After he spoke, I immediately raised my hand and challenged one of his major assumptions. I shared my “truth.” There was a palpable gasp from the crowd. He was embarrassed, as was I.
It doesn’t matter if my “truth” was true. I am not sure if I ever recovered with that executive.
I believe in telling the truth. I need to hear it. My boss needs to hear it. You boss needs to hear it.
Frame your truth in a way that can be heard.
Truth Packaged Well
Your boss is likely working on her leadership as much or more than you are working on yours. No matter how confident someone appears on the outside, they are dealing with insecurities, complex personal and family dynamics, and personal triggers just like the rest of us.
When done well, your boss will hear the feedback, and be grateful that you cared enough to take the time.
A few tips:
Stay centered in your own intentions is this about you or about them, or the chemistry between?
Ask– are they open to some feedback?
Schedule some time, or look for an opportunity free from distractions
Provide the feedback in private
Come from a spirit of caring and helping
Ask questions, try to understand her point of view
Be prepared with specific examples
Own the feedback, this is from you, you are not representing the rest of the group
If you’ve bumped into us in an airport over the last 5 years, it’s likely we’ve been carrying a diaper genie. Why? It’s all about how to get and give better feedback. We’ve used this metaphor in so many programs, our son can even deliver it (as seen here in a program where our client requested he perform a cameo–in Bristol England).
Note: If you’ve stumbled onto this post, you’re reading one of my earliest raw insights on having tough conversations that I shared on my blog the very first year I started writing.
I’m not changing the original post below to preserve the journey. But instead will offer some of our more updated thinking on the topic in the video and links below.
The Classic: 5 Ways to Get Better Feedback Post That Started It All
Today’s post is a direct response to a subscriber’s question:
I took my first real leadership position when my oldest son was still in diapers. Every time I used our diaper genie, I thought, this is just how this hard feedback works. Each level takes the poop and seals it in a bag before it gets sent to the next level up. Then, that level sanitizes it some more with another layer of protection. By the time it gets to the top, it smells pretty benign.
I would love to hear your thoughts on eliciting candid feedback from your team and stakeholders? How do you get your team to take the risk of saying what needs to be said to those in power? How do you go about it? What suggestions do you have to do this effectively?”
Diaper genies work great for babies but are a dangerous leadership tool.
So how do you get your employees to tell you the truth?
How do you ask for feedback in a way that feels safe?
5 Ways To Get More Feedback from Your Team
Create an Environment of Trust
When I put this question out on my Let’s Grow Leaders Facebook page for insights, Eric Dingler shared:
You have to start with the end in mind. I think the best way is to have a culture of trust to start with. If you have a reputation of being a jerk and closed off to input, no trick will work. Once you have a culture of trust. You can simply ask for feedback. If you don’t feel like you are getting feedback, you’ve probably failed to establish a safe environment.
I often see managers say to their employees, “I am wide open to feedback,” but then discourage their employees from being open with others above them. Or worse, they model their fear of repercussions. Employees will always listen to what you do more than what you say. If you are open in giving honest feedback to your boss, your team will be more likely to give you truthful feedback as well.
There are many ways to ask for feedback on both a formal and informal basis. I use one-on-ones to do this on a regular basis, so the feedback is casual and frequent. I also ask for feedback more formally during mid-year and end-of-year reviews. Employee surveys can also be good. Read more about feedback in Feedback: Getting Great Insights From People Who Matter.
Start with “thank you.” Always. Watch how you react, not just with your words, but with your face, eyes, and body language. Listen attentively and react calmly, even if you disagree with the feedback. Work to understand the perceptions, even if you know there is more to the story.
Close the Loop
When given the gift of formal and informal feedback, be sure to close the loop. Recap what you heard. If you are going to take action, share that. Circle back and ask for feedback on your progress. Closure helps to build the trust, and encourages future feedback.