Why your team’s politeness might be doing more harm than good
Some team dynamics are obviously broken—loud conflict, side-eye in meetings, and tension that can be cut with a knife.
But most teams don’t fall apart because of blowups.
They erode from something more subtle and way more common:
Conflict avoidance.
You’ve probably felt it.
Someone misses a deadline.
Nobody says anything.
A bad decision slides through.
No one pushes back.
You didn’t agree, but you smiled and nodded—because calling it out felt too risky.
Over time, this quiet avoidance becomes a culture. And without ever saying a word, the team signs an unspoken contract:
You don’t call me out, I won’t call you out.
How Conflict Avoidance Shows Up in Team Dynamics
It becomes an unspoken part of your “couth code,” or team agreement on how things are done around here.
No one talks about it, but somehow, everyone starts behaving like accountability is optional—especially peer to peer.
This is a classic symptom of Diaper Genie Syndrome: the workplace habit of sealing away discomfort to keep things “clean.”
And the Unspoken Pact is one of its stealthiest forms.
This kind of conflict avoidance may keep the surface smooth—but underneath, team dynamics start to rot.
What to Say Instead
You don’t have to make a scene to break the cycle.
You just need to say one thing—clearly and kindly—that unseals the moment.
Here are a few phrases that do just that:
Name what’s going unsaid:
“Can I bring something up that might be sitting under the surface?”
“This might be a little uncomfortable, but I think it’s worth naming.”
Re-center shared goals:
“I care about how we work together, and I think this matters for all of us.”
“I’m not trying to stir anything up—I just want us to be clear and aligned.”
Open the door for feedback—without force:
“Quick check—are we avoiding something here that we should probably surface?”
“I might be off, but I got the sense we were all holding back a little.”
After the moment:
“Thanks for being open to that—I know it’s not always easy.”
“I appreciate you sticking with me through that. That’s how teams get stronger.”
Why This Is a Diaper Genie Problem
If you’ve been following the Diaper Genie Series, you know what this is really about:
Avoidance.
Every time a team chooses politeness over honesty, they twist the lid on something that will start to stink later.
The Unspoken Pact doesn’t prevent conflict—it just postpones it.
And the longer you keep sealing things in silence, the harder it is to clean up later.
What to Try This Week
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Notice one place where your team might be defaulting to conflict avoidance
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Pick one moment to speak up, even lightly
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Use a phrase above—or your own—and name what’s real
It doesn’t have to be perfect.
It just has to be a little more honest than yesterday.
Because the moment someone breaks the pact, the dynamic starts to shift.
We would love to help your team have more productive conflict and collaboration. Check out our “Can We Talk For Real” or Collaborate! Interactive Keynotes.
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