What Dad Doesn't Say

The Dad Conversation Continues

Thanks to all who contributed to my last post Dad Says: Best Advice from Your Dads. For those who read closely, you may have noticed that I did not share any advice from my father. Why? Because he swears he doesn’t give it.

I have huge respect for his approach. He believes that “It’s hard enough to live your own life and you never know the full context”.

The truth is all of my siblings and all of his siblings know, if you need advice, just tell your story to Dad, and look at what his face says. He can’t really hide his pride or lack of enthusiasm. My brother Brad explains:

“The silence reads be thoughtful. Always. Consider the options, the implications, the people involved. the answer is somewhere in the middle.”

So for Fathers Day, Dad, share the top 10 things I learned from you 10 things I took away from advice not given.

10. Be patient

Oh yeah, still trying to learn that one. My sister, Jill, is a quicker study.

“I learned about exercising patience in teaching and finding new and creative ways to show others something that seems obvious. For him, it included hours of algebra and geometry on the coach. For me it comes in hand in speech therapy and with my own children.”

9. Go to church

Thanks so much for not caring about which church. A huge part of who I am came from growing up in a fantastic church community.And an important part of who I am becoming is influenced by the church I now attend.

8. Wear a wig

Mom was wary about me including this one, so let me explain. The fact that every year you would dress up at work for Halloween as whatever project you were working on (even after you were a senior leader) taught me a lot. Have fun at work. Take risks. Making people laugh builds teams. I now have a closet full of wigs that I happily wear and never regret.

7. Support people’s passions

You become genuinely interested in anything others are doing and support it full steam. Thank you for being the first subscriber to my blog.

6. Document the family story

I am amazed at the work you have put in to research and track the lineage, pictures and stories. Thanks for always being there with a camera to capture just what needs to be remembered.

5. Show up

Thanks for being REALLY available when we need you the most. Thanks for always digging in and helping at just the right time. I know hundreds of people would say this about you.

4. Try the less obvious next step

I learned that a career path can be complex that if you can lead people, take some risks and try things you know nothing about. How else does someone go from studying the mating habits of striped bass, to making power plants safer, to building space telescopes?

3. Fight for the underdog

You always fight like crazy with your words and actions. You make real sacrifices and invest in others. And mostly, in a subtle and elegant way. Never looking for credit for your contributions.

2. Have an opinion

You always have one and it is always passionate. And you are very careful about how you share it.

see http://www.isoclarity.org/

1. Do it well

Everything. Always.

Thanks Dad. I learn from you every day. 

What Dad Doesn’t Say

The Dad Conversation Continues

Thanks to all who contributed to my last post Dad Says: Best Advice from Your Dads. For those who read closely, you may have noticed that I did not share any advice from my father. Why? Because he swears he doesn’t give it.

I have huge respect for his approach. He believes that “It’s hard enough to live your own life and you never know the full context”.

The truth is all of my siblings and all of his siblings know, if you need advice, just tell your story to Dad, and look at what his face says. He can’t really hide his pride or lack of enthusiasm. My brother Brad explains:

“The silence reads be thoughtful. Always. Consider the options, the implications, the people involved. the answer is somewhere in the middle.”

So for Fathers Day, Dad, share the top 10 things I learned from you 10 things I took away from advice not given.

10. Be patient

Oh yeah, still trying to learn that one. My sister, Jill, is a quicker study.

“I learned about exercising patience in teaching and finding new and creative ways to show others something that seems obvious. For him, it included hours of algebra and geometry on the coach. For me it comes in hand in speech therapy and with my own children.”

9. Go to church

Thanks so much for not caring about which church. A huge part of who I am came from growing up in a fantastic church community.And an important part of who I am becoming is influenced by the church I now attend.

8. Wear a wig

Mom was wary about me including this one, so let me explain. The fact that every year you would dress up at work for Halloween as whatever project you were working on (even after you were a senior leader) taught me a lot. Have fun at work. Take risks. Making people laugh builds teams. I now have a closet full of wigs that I happily wear and never regret.

7. Support people’s passions

You become genuinely interested in anything others are doing and support it full steam. Thank you for being the first subscriber to my blog.

6. Document the family story

I am amazed at the work you have put in to research and track the lineage, pictures and stories. Thanks for always being there with a camera to capture just what needs to be remembered.

5. Show up

Thanks for being REALLY available when we need you the most. Thanks for always digging in and helping at just the right time. I know hundreds of people would say this about you.

4. Try the less obvious next step

I learned that a career path can be complex that if you can lead people, take some risks and try things you know nothing about. How else does someone go from studying the mating habits of striped bass, to making power plants safer, to building space telescopes?

3. Fight for the underdog

You always fight like crazy with your words and actions. You make real sacrifices and invest in others. And mostly, in a subtle and elegant way. Never looking for credit for your contributions.

2. Have an opinion

You always have one and it is always passionate. And you are very careful about how you share it.

see http://www.isoclarity.org/

1. Do it well

Everything. Always.

Thanks Dad. I learn from you every day. 

Dad Says: Best Advice From YOUR Dads

In the spirit of Fathers Day, my son Ben (17) and I set out to collect as much fatherly advice as we could in a week. We asked everyone we knew or ran into friends, work, school, church, airports, restaurants, and random encounters “what’s the best advice you ever got from your dad?”

The question also became a conversation piece in a wide variety of contexts and our whole family got involved. We had people talking about this in team-builders, men’s breakfasts, church meetings, fire stations, summer camps, executive dinners, knitting groups and through our social networks. One friend got so engaged in the process he collected responses from 4 generations of family.

Sebastian (6) also got into the game, taking his own notes “be a taim plare (be a team player)” and “folo yor hirt (follow your heart).”

Ben and Mom’s Top Picks

  1. Don’t listen to your father (Karin’s Dad, from his Dad, MD)
  2. Have faith– but there is no RIGHT faith (Ben’s friend, Matthew who collected 4 generations of advice, MA)
  3. Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance (Sean, our waiter, CA)

We received hundreds of responses from 5 countries.

The folks we talked to fell into 3 clusters:

  • the eager to engage

About two third of the folks we asked were excited to engage, and had compelling and interesting stories that came along with their advice. A few got choked up, as did we more than once in the process

  • those who preferred not to talk

MANY others had almost the opposite reaction. In these cases our questions were answered with silence or a quick attempt to change the subject. This was the most troubling and surprising part of this process

  • and “gee, my dad didn’t SAY a lot but showed a lot in his DOING

Our favorite was from Magesh in India “he once helped a poor child in the area by paying for him to have a heart operation. I sure learned a lot from him.”

“Sorry Ben. This is one that I can’t contribute to. Not many words were passed from my Dad to me that would fall into your category.
The only thing that I can share is, don’t let it happen to you- always talk to your kids and encourage them without shouting or threatening.
Love you guy”.

So when Dads DO talk what do they say?

Top Topics (and some good -or fun- examples)

Tried and True (19%)

“Do unto others”

“Don’t sweat the small stuff”

“Measure twice, cut once”

School & Knowledge (14%)

“If you don’t ask, you won’t know”

“Girls are just as good in math as boys”

“Never listen to the damn doctor”

How to Be and Improve (11%)

 ” Du kannst dich drehen und wenden wie du willst, der Arsch bleibt immer hinten” ( you can turn around as much as you want, the ass always stays in back)

“Figure out what people need and give it to them”

“Names are important. Really important. Never bluff. Ask again”

“As you know, my parents escaped from Vietnam to come to America. The one advice that my father gave me that stays with me is Ask yourself what you would do if you were not afraid My parents taught me to not let fear stop you, but rather move you.”

Dreams, Inspiration and Spirituality (11%)

“Believe in yourself and continue to inspire others the way you inspire me”

“Put your effort and time into the things you love doing”

“Talent is handy, it’s not essential”

Integrity and Respect (10%)

“Strive to always tell the truth, regardless of the consequences”

“Don’t worry about what others say if you are doing it for the right reasons”

“Be honest, open and upfront about anything and everything. You may not be liked today, however you will be respected tomorrow.

Relationships and Dating (9%)

“Girls like to be kissed”

“If you want your wife to be pretty, you’d better clean your plate. When you leave bits of food all over your plate, that’s what your wife’s face will look like.”

“Marry this one”

Family (8%)

“What did your mother say?”

(If I spoke rudely) “Mom is your mother, but she is my wife don’t forget that”

“Find something specific about your daughter to like every day. Let her know you found it”

Sports (7%)

“Don’t throw like a girl”

“Whenever possible, throw strikes”

“When in doubt, grab a glove and go out back”

The Basics: Finances, Food and Drink (6%)

“Cheese and crackers and a beer make a nice snack”

“Don’t complain about your weight while eating a snickers bar”

“Never walk over a penny”

Cars and Driving (5%)

“Don’t date a man with bald tires on his car”

“Always remember where you parked your car”

“Turn your head when you change lanes”

Thanks, Dads. Happy Fathers Day.

Namaste,

Karin and Ben

Please let us know your Dad’s best advice

Listen Well: Better Get a Bucket

I believe that after integrity, listening is the second most important leadership skill.

And it is also one of the most difficult.

Listening well is hard.Listening well, consistently, is even harder.

Lately, I have been paying more attention to what is happening when the listening is good.

The key is having some good buckets– categories to help you organize what you hear, and to feed it back.

People need to know that you have heard them that you are with them and that you got the gist.

Buckets help you organize your listening and feedback.

One on One

Imagine an emotional co-worker coming to you with a long story about why a project is in jeopardy. You listen intently to what she has to say, and look for the main ideas.After she is done, you can respond with empathy and understanding.

“I am hearing three main concerns here let me see I have this right “and then spill your buckets.

Helping someone to organize their own thoughts makes them feel better, and usually calmer. Situations seem easier to tackle when they are simplified into groups.

Bigger Groups

This also works in larger contexts as well. I recently watched an executive who was hosting a big conference get up every 3 hours and feedback the big ideas he heard from each speaker. He put his buckets on display, reinforced key messages, and modeled the level of listening that should be happening.

I have also used this technique in large town hall meetings. Rather than respond to every comment, I listen intently and then share (and respond to) the main buckets of issues.

There is value in the trying

Of course sometimes, your buckets will be wrong. That’s okay.

It at least helps the conversation along in a productive way.

Try taking a bucket to your next meeting. It’s exciting to see what might fill it up.

Glass Elevators: Why Having an Elevator Speech Matters

Yesterday I attended an important meeting with important people. I was not scheduled to speak. And then, sure enough, I was given the opportunity to give my elevator speech.

A good friend of mine in Finance (p.s. always have a good friend in Finance) batted the conversation my way game on.

  • What’s our channel’s mission?
  • How are our results?
  • What’s our team best at?
  • How have we improved?

The buttons on the figurative elevator were pressed time to roll.

You see, I am familiar with elevators, and what can happen in them.

Early Elevators

Very early in my career, a VP several levels above me asked me to attend a very controversial meeting on his behalf. To this day, I don’t know if it was deliberate (because he thought I could add value), or if he really didn’t understand the controversial nature of the meeting, or if he was just scared.

The minute I walked in, I was questioned as to why I was there ( instead of the VP). I stayed (not knowing if I should), and it was down hill from there.

I listened to all the ideas for the major undertaking that were being presented. Being completely naive about how to approach such things, I said everything that was on my mind no filters to everyone in the room. This involved questioning the entire methodology of some very well-thought out plans of some amazing leaders. I was discounted, and should have been. I did not approach it well.

So, later that day when I ran into that VP in the elevator (huge building, crazy coincedence), I looked at the floor. The next thing I heard Karin, I have been thinking. You may be on to something. Please tell me what you wanted to say.

I told her and got involved. That project transformed my career, and she became a fantastic mentor.

A bit later

So years later, as I grew in leadership responsibility, I wanted the best folks on my team to always be prepared to tell their story and share their ideas in a meaningful and concise way. From time to time, I lead “mentoring circles” on the subject of elevator speeches.

I always begin these sessions with my latest “elevator speech” as an example

  • what our team is about
  • how we are making a difference
  • real statistics of how we are improving
  • and my leadership vision to lead that team

One time, after doing the session with a great group of front line leaders, I got into the elevator. We had just been through a reorganization that week and I had a new senior leader that I had not yet met (but he must have seen my picture).

He looks at me and says, “Hey, Aren’t you on my new team?  What’s your story?”

So I shared my newly minted elevator speech.

That worked too.

Since then, I always keep one fresh.

Tomorrow morning

I am attending another important meeting in a very big hotel lots of elevators lots of people.

Keeping it fresh.

Early calls: Discovering You Love to Do

One of my favorite parts of being a mom is watching my kids discover what they love to do. The other day, Seb (6), looked at me with an epiphany. “Mom, when I am talking and everyone is listening to what I have to say, my heart feels happy, and I feel totally in control of myself. My life feels good and easy.” Yikes. He was hearing the ringing of some early calls.

“Enter each day with the expectation that the happenings of the day may contain a clandestine message addressed to you personally. Expect omens, epiphanies, causal blessings, and teachers who unknowingly speak to your condition. Expect that through the right lens, all our encounters will appear full of thunderbolts and instructions; every bush will be a burning bush”
~ Sam Keen, Hymns to an Unknown God

The truth is, he is right. He has a natural gift for speaking, and people light him up. I am so glad he is paying attention.

I love to talk with adults that seem that happy and engaged in their work. It’s fun to ask them when and how they “knew” what they wanted to do. It always leads to fantastic conversation, and people who are jazzed about their work are even more jazzed to talk about why.

I keep a running list of themes I hear from folks who are in love with their work. Here are a few.

  • It’s okay to not have found your calling, be patient
  • Create space and time for reflection
  • Listen carefully to your heart
  • Build a strong network and community of support
  • Take some risks
  • Don’t discount it because it feels too simple; it may feel easy because you have a gift
  • One thing leads to another, pay attention to signs along the way
  • Know that it will be hard, involve sacrifice, and come with its own junk
  • Be grateful for the journey

Are you doing what you love? How did you know this was what you wanted to do?

What advice do you have for those in search of.

Beginning With Questions

Beginning well is an art. Taking a deliberate approach to how we start something new, can lay the groundwork for future success.

Firefighters Beginning Well

Last night I had fish tacos with about 20 firefighters.

Well, not actually real firefighters– yet, that will happen tomorrow after graduation.

This was a team of new “recruits” finishing their 12 week, intense, training academy ready to begin their new lives of public service.

The tacos were not remarkable, but the energy and excitement in the air was palpable. This was a group of folks up to something. Each recruit I spoke with had a different background and reason for joining. What they had in common was the passionate expression that this is what they “were meant to do” next in their lives.

What a feeling to be surrounded by new beginnings.

What struck me most throughout the evening was the intense level of questioning.

Mostly I heard the questions these recruits were asking themselves. It was an interesting parade of extroverted self-reflection.

  • What is the most important contribution I will make?
  • How will I respond to fear?
  • What will this mean for my family?
  • What will my role be on the team?
  • What if?

As leaders, the questions we ask ourselves are vital, particularly as we start something new.

Here are a few questions I find my self pondering as I enter a new gig or start work with a new team.

Leadership Questions for Beginning Well

About the Work

  • What one thing will our organization be known for above all else?
  • Where can we have the biggest impact to the big scene?
  • What’s the most broken?
  • What shouldn’t we change, no matter what?

About the People

  • Who are the rock stars, and what do they need?
  • Who is already leading this team?
  • Who can I help?

About Me

  • What strengths must I leverage to lead this team well?
  • What mistakes did I make in my last role, which I can’t make again?
  • Which of my weaknesses are likely to surface here?
  • Who do I need to call on for help?

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One Dip or Two? Lesson’s From Seth Godin’s The Dip

How do you know when to muscle through and when it’s time to stop? This concept, coined by Seth Godin as “the dip” is vital to understand in our own work and in our leadership of others.

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work”
~ Thomas Edison

Every now and then a young leader will approach me for my story, “what did you do to get here?”

When I share a bit about the less than glamorous journey, including commuting to the Bronx from Baltimore for months on an almost daily basis during my stint as a single mom or the travel I am doing now to small towns across the country where you can be sure to find a Waffle House, I get the same reaction. “Oh.”

Seth Godin writes well on this subject in The Dip. He describes the value of slogging through the tough times on the right pursuits, and knowing when to quit the wrong ones. As Kenny Rogers would say, knowing when to “fold em,” frees up time to work on what will make you great. He compares 3 scenarios and how to know them when you see them.

Godin’s Big 3

  • Dips (hard times you need to get through to learn, grow, and achieve)
  • Cul-de-sacs (dead ends, where more hard work and slogging is unlikely to help)
  • Cliffs (dangerous pursuits leading to disaster)

I am very familiar with the dip. I am currently in the deep throws of at least 2 or 3 big dip servings, and am keeping a keen eye out for some early signs of culdesac.

It is vital to pay attention to where you invest your time. His concept of quitting with integrity is important.

However, I disagree with his premise that “being the best in the world” is always a useful objective, and a reasonable criteria to judge quit worthiness.

Lots of important contributions are made from folks who are great, but not necessarily “the best.” If we have too much quitting going on, the world will lose out.

He uses the analogy of the Boston Marathon, and how most quitters, quit in the middle of the race, during the “Dip.” True. I’ve run it, and the middle is tough, and it feels great to get through it.

What I think he is overlooking is that just qualifying for the Boston marathon is a huge deal for many runners, a great goal and a fun achievement. Lots of regular folks have big fun and become stronger working toward this goal.

They have already pushed through a few dips. Most will not be the best in the world, and it doesn’t matter. There is value in journeys that do not end in greatness.

Godin shares, “the problem with infinity is that there’s too much of it.” That’s the fun part.

We have so many choices and so many chances. For ourselves, and to offer as options for those we lead.

One Dip or Two? Lesson's From Seth Godin's The Dip

How do you know when to muscle through and when it’s time to stop? This concept, coined by Seth Godin as “the dip” is vital to understand in our own work and in our leadership of others.

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work”
~ Thomas Edison

Every now and then a young leader will approach me for my story, “what did you do to get here?”

When I share a bit about the less than glamorous journey, including commuting to the Bronx from Baltimore for months on an almost daily basis during my stint as a single mom or the travel I am doing now to small towns across the country where you can be sure to find a Waffle House, I get the same reaction. “Oh.”

Seth Godin writes well on this subject in The Dip. He describes the value of slogging through the tough times on the right pursuits, and knowing when to quit the wrong ones. As Kenny Rogers would say, knowing when to “fold em,” frees up time to work on what will make you great. He compares 3 scenarios and how to know them when you see them.

Godin’s Big 3

  • Dips (hard times you need to get through to learn, grow, and achieve)
  • Cul-de-sacs (dead ends, where more hard work and slogging is unlikely to help)
  • Cliffs (dangerous pursuits leading to disaster)

I am very familiar with the dip. I am currently in the deep throws of at least 2 or 3 big dip servings, and am keeping a keen eye out for some early signs of culdesac.

It is vital to pay attention to where you invest your time. His concept of quitting with integrity is important.

However, I disagree with his premise that “being the best in the world” is always a useful objective, and a reasonable criteria to judge quit worthiness.

Lots of important contributions are made from folks who are great, but not necessarily “the best.” If we have too much quitting going on, the world will lose out.

He uses the analogy of the Boston Marathon, and how most quitters, quit in the middle of the race, during the “Dip.” True. I’ve run it, and the middle is tough, and it feels great to get through it.

What I think he is overlooking is that just qualifying for the Boston marathon is a huge deal for many runners, a great goal and a fun achievement. Lots of regular folks have big fun and become stronger working toward this goal.

They have already pushed through a few dips. Most will not be the best in the world, and it doesn’t matter. There is value in journeys that do not end in greatness.

Godin shares, “the problem with infinity is that there’s too much of it.” That’s the fun part.

We have so many choices and so many chances. For ourselves, and to offer as options for those we lead.

About

I am about developing great leaders.

I have been a lifelong student of leadership, which began with an academic grounding in organizational communication, enhanced by a combination of exciting challenges, fabulous mentors, and learning.

By day, I am a leader in corporate America, and all of the time I am a wife and mother of two energetic, aspiring leaders—ages 17 and 6.

At work – I am finding more and more young leaders looking for advice on leadership philosophy and style, career, and general questions on “how I roll” as a leader.

In The community – I work with teenagers and adults to explore and articulate their values and belief statements, and to support them as they play out in real work together.

At Home – I watch my children leading, learning, and often tripping into the same mistakes I have made and really want to help, without obvious intrusion.

I have designed this multi-generational blog as an interactive forum for seasoned leaders and youth to share their stories, insights and challenges in their development as leaders.

The Plan

Each week I will suggest a topic for us to discuss. I will start with my best thinking on the subject, along with some provocative questions. We can then enjoy the conversation we create together through your comments.

Topics will fall into the following categories:

  • Exploring and defining our leadership values
  • Leadership approaches to real-life situations
  • Commentary on leadership in the news
  • Must read books and resources (classics and the latest thinking)
  • Exercises mentors and parents can complete with their teens and children to define values and build their leadership skills

I encourage you to subscribe to receive email updates.

Guest Posts

I welcome guest-post proposals from leaders of all ages.

Contact Information

Please feel free to also contact me at letsgrowleaders@gmail.com.

The Turnaround Factor: Digging Deeper

One of the most important leadership lessons of my life happened 5 minutes after I stepped off that stage. I’d been giving awards on my massive “road trip,” a 27 states in 45 day kind of tour of motivational kick off meetings in Verizon Wireless’ outsourced call centers.

I was the “client,” read that “scary” who was doing everything in my capacity to have my team viewed as helpers, not auditors.

But here I was on her home stage recognizing outcomes. Lisa, with beaming confident-humility, was ready to teach me about process.

 

The service rep that had swept the recognition awards at this particular center tapped me on the shoulder.

Last year I was almost fired.  My metrics were a disaster.

Everyone kept telling me that I needed to be more confident, to be the expert for our customers. But the problem was I just wasn’t FEELING confident. And I didn’t THINK of myself as an expert.

And then one day, my team leader gave me an opportunity to re-record my opening greeting. I decided this was my big chance to sound absolutely energetic, confident, and convey my expertise. I recorded it again and again until it sounded just right.

And then a miraculous thing happened. The customers heard that greeting. They began to greet me with comments like, “wow you sure sound cheerful for so early in the morning.” Or, “I am glad that I got the expert, I should be in good hands.” Well, after that I just had to stay cheerful, and began feeling more confident. And you know what, I had to be an expert. Turns out, I am one.

After thousands of calls, only once have I had a customer respond to this in a negative way. My customers are getting a great experience because I know I can deliver it. And now, here I am.

That’s what SHOULD have been celebrating… the story. I’m embarrassed to say. I didn’t know it. That was the last time I gave out an award without knowing the backstory (see also: why your recognition is backfiring).

Even if it seems impossible to go that deep, it’s worth it.

Know who the whole stories, not matter how many layers fall between.

I promise. It’s worth it.