We all know deep in our hearts that teams need conflict.
Conflict is “healthy.”
Leaders and teams have been talking about Tuckman’s forming, storming, norming, performing model since the mid 1960s.
Teams were storming long before that.
We get it intellectually.
We’ve even seen the value of addressing conflict play out practically.
But conflict is uncomfortable.
Sometimes addressing conflict does more harm than good.
Stirring the Pot
I am a pot stirrer.
If you have ever worked on a team of mine, you know I am constantly encouraging you to “air and discuss your concerns” with one another.
I will listen (for a minute) and then immediately send you back to the person with whom you need to engage.
People love that or hate that– that too, can create conflict.
When the pot gets stirred, and the going gets tough, that’s when the calls usually come in from all parties. My stance remains the same.
“I don’t need to hear the play-by play. Everyone gets an extra smile from my heart for working it through. I’m glad you are talking. Have as many secret meetings” as you need. I won’t take sides.”
The biggest worry seems to be, “what if I get exposed?” The truth is, there are at least two sides to every story. I know that. If your boss has any sense, she knows that. If YOU are the boss, same rules apply.
Once the storming is over, I love to ask “what did you learn about how to do conflict better?”
The truth is I ask myself this same question every day.
Sometimes I screw it up.
Conflict is never handled.
Conflict Survival Tips
Here’s what folks have told me they have learned (from addressing conflict in real situations). I hope this helps.
- Don’t wait too long.
Your issues become less relevant and feel more stupid to the recipient as time passes.
- Own it.
No one wants to hear “everyone is saying” comments
- Carefully consider the input of others
Don’t let your response feel like retaliation
- Watch your facial expressions when giving and receiving feedback
Everyone is watching those more than your words
- Be prepared to give specific examples
Even if you are absolutely right, it’s difficult to digest and even more difficult to take action without the details.
- ??? My list goes on but, I’ll stop here and let you play. what would you add?